Kathy Burrus

Excerpt from Chapter 16 of Lovely Traces of Hope

Be STill

by Kathy Burrus

 No matter the kind of moment it is, good or bad, happy or sad, long or short, when a kairos moment happens, God is close by! His kingdom is within reach as the margin between the two worlds gets thinner.

If God was that close then, that aware of me, where was God breaking into my world now? What was the kairos in this moment?

As I intentionally chose to quiet my mind, heart, body and spirit, I took a deep breath. I sensed I could quit pursuing green and hope and just let it come to me! Every time God brought a green anything into my path, I was reminded God was speaking. I didn't want to miss what he was trying to teach me. I didn't want this pain to be wasted. 

If this broken place had to hurt so badly, I wanted it to count--to purify me if that was its purpose, to teach me if I needed to learn, to be used in someone else's life if I could be used to make a difference. 

Sometimes that invitation was simply to stop and be in the moment. Every time the LIVING ONE who died showed up, he brought hope with him. Hope in the sound of Leisha's voice on her recorder or a video. Hope in a green stone. Hope in the notes of a friend who faithfully wrote once a week for an entire year. Hope in a meal I wasn't expecting. Hope in a friend who walked the lane with me.

For me, it was a miracle every time. 

I felt like I had entered into death with Leisha, but I was left to be walking dead, while she was experiencing real life after her death. Yet no matter how painful her death had been and continues to be, I sensed that the intensity was just another indication of the depth of my love for her. I wouldn't give up having experienced her birth, her energy, her love for life and people, her struggle for faith and purpose, her passion for GREEN--and the hope that it represents.

I was pondering the kairos of that truth one day as I walked down our country lane and turned the corner by the mailbox to continue down the short mile we live on. It had been rare that I would take that walk since the day I had ‘turned east’. It was just too hard to go there.

But this day I felt the stillness within and hope superseded despair in many ways in this fourth year of grief. We had painted Leisha's room--green of course, though we left hints of her original colors showing in certain places.  It felt right to have her original colors peeking through.

Caitlin traveled to Israel and Brielle to Italy for 3 months of school. They were each thriving so far from home. Rennie took on some new ventures with his business. It was proving to be successful. I started classes to get my coaching certification. By the end of my first session, I was making plans to begin my own coaching practice called Green Hope Coaching.

As I walked down the lane with our dog, Lucy, by my side, I was praying for each one of my precious family. At one point I bent down to pick a dandelion puff and tried to blow it--nothing happened. The seeds were holding tight. I thought that was odd, but held on to it as I continued to walk.  As I finished praying for Rennie, then Cait and Brie, I looked to the sky and just said, “Lord, how I wish I could know what Leisha was doing right now. I don’t know what her work is, or where she spends her time. I know you can break into my world but I wish she could. I don’t even know how she looks now.”  

I had often found myself watching the girls, or checking on some of Leisha’s friends to see how they had changed over the last 4 years. My mom heart longed to know what Leisha would have chosen to do with her life and how she would be maturing as an adult.   “Lord, I don’t know how things work now, but can you give Leisha a message from me? Could you tell her I love her and that I miss her? Tell her that I continue to pray for these people that have been impacted by her life--and her death.”

Something in the clouds to the left caught my eye. As I turned to see what it was, the cloud seemed to take a shape--a human shape, more specifically the shape of a warrior standing tall and strong.   It was as if the clouds had outlined this man, including minute features of his face and hair. I was struck that his hair was almost curly, which seemed unusual for the rest of his burly appearance. He was dressed as an ancient Roman warrior with his arms at his side, and his feet in sandals with leather armor on his shins. There was a sash across his chest and something like a satchel hanging from his left hip. 

I stood in the middle of the road and blinked my eyes several times to be certain my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me since they were cloudy with my own tears. I looked in front of me and behind me to see if anyone was coming on the road, but there was no one.

As I looked back to the cloud, the warrior had his kind eyes focused on me.  About that time, from behind the sash on his chest, I noticed movement. Out from the satchel came a face I instantly recognized.

It was Leisha! I knew her immediately.

She moved very slowly at first as if she were fearful that I would not be able to handle her presence there.  I could not take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful. Her face and eyes were the same as the last day I saw her on that same road 4 years earlier, yet different. She had a confidence and a calm that only made her more beautiful. Her hair was lovely, but I could not describe it to you. It didn’t seem to be important. 

In a moment, Leisha raised her hand close to her face and wiggled her fingers like she used to do as if to say, “Hi Mom!”  I sensed she was still being careful to not frighten me. I waved back in similar fashion, totally caught up in the moment. 

“Leisha, is that you? Can it really be you? You look beautiful! I was just praying for you.”

Leisha smiled at me, and then looked up at the warrior who seemed to nod his approval to her. She slid down from behind the sash and satchel.  

“No Leisha!  Don’t go!  Can’t you stay?”

Then I saw movement again. At first I could only see her legs as if she were sitting on the cloud at the warrior’s feet with one knee folded under her, and the other knee raised.   Slowly I saw her right arm lift as if she had reached behind her for something. As her hand came to land on the raised knee, her face turned into view. She smiled at me again and then motioned to the thing she was holding in her hand. 

It was a dandelion puff.  

“Leisha! I have one too!”  I raised my dandelion to show her.

She leaned into the one she held and pursed her lips together and began to blow. Seeds flew everywhere. I blinked my eyes. Is this really happening?

I instantly felt both great joy and deep sadness rush through me.   Joy because I knew what she was saying to me. Leisha was reminding me that I needed to continue to influence.

Our family had watched from the white limousine as people left the memorial service for Leisha. We saw family and friends from all over make their way out the church doors. I was struck with the thought that Leisha's influence was not just hers anymore-- or even just ours! It had been passed on to all those who had come to celebrate her life as seeds are blown from a dandelion.

Brie captured that thought in one of the paintings she did her senior year! Leisha blew the dandelion of influence, each seed turning colors as it blew away and turned into a butterfly. Each butterfly carried the name of a close friend. 

Leisha was reminding me to keep influencing. I got the message at once.

But I was also filled with deep sadness because the dandelion I held in my hand had not released when I had tried to blow it a few minutes ago. In all the time I had been walking, not one seed had come off of it.  My dandelion didn’t work like Leisha’s had.

Leisha looked at me and signaled me to blow it anyway! I did! 

My breath caught as all the seeds released and flew away as if they were carried by a light wind.

I don’t remember when Leisha went away. I don’t remember seeing the warrior or the clouds changing again or even how long it took me to get back to the house. I only know I had seen Leisha, she had spoken to me without words and I knew what to do. 

I was made to influence!

I needed to keep saying, “I’m going, come with me!”  

I know! I have been skeptical in the past when someone shared a vision from a loved one. I would come up with some way their mind could have manufactured the whole thing. But I always wondered if God might actually have allowed them to experience such a personal connection. 

Now God had met me in a miraculous way. This was kairos. It was not a random moment. I have never experienced anything like this before, yet I knew that it was from the Lord. I knew that it was Leisha and I knew that her message was consistent with everything I had been hearing until now. 

Leisha had been real! She spoke to the core of my prayer and changed my life. 

At first I was afraid to share it with Ren. What if he thinks I’m losing it?  What if he tries to explain away what happened? I wondered myself if I was seeing things; if my mind was getting carried away and I was still conjuring up things just to ease the ache still present.

But as I revealed what I had seen to him, tears began to fall down his cheeks.   “Kathy, I don’t know how it happened. I just know God heard your prayer and answered it in a very real way for you.”   

No, this is not a common occurrence. But in a precious moment, God opened up the portal from heaven and sent my daughter to me with a message tied specifically to all the other 'random' messages I had been hearing. 

Be still! Hope is on its way! 

The Living One who died is breaking into my world!  Continue to influence!!

In the miracle of her birth, in the anguish of her death, and in the mystery of this moment, I have seen God bigger and more able than I ever knew him to be before. 

That's kairos!

I would love to send you a copy of Lovely Traces of Hope.

May God bring an angel to you to show you the way!

Just let me know where to send it.