If you follow me closely- which is almost impossible since I haven't been around for you to follow recently- but if you try to read or watch the things I write when I do, then you probably noticed that I have been …
SILENT
There are times when I...
- Don’t write a blog or send an email
- Don't make a video- recorded or LIVE
- Don't even share on social media
And if truth be known, those are the same times I am silent elsewhere too. I don't
- Call my friends
- Or engage in meaningful conversations in a group
- Or call my dear parents regularly
- Or really even share with my husband (though he might not know that because I still talk a lot)
I withdraw from interactions.
Recently a friend asked WHY?
Why do I stop sharing?
Why to I quit putting myself out there?
Do I really have nothing to share with my community?
Now my friend didn't ask all those questions. They are just a few of the questions that came to my mind after she asked WHY?
My ponderings have made me aware of several things that make me silent.
- My very design invites me to draw away to quiet times. I'm an extrovert by nature. Being with people gives me energy and joy. But after a while, I need to go sit by myself. I need space to ponder on the interactions I have had. I long to process my thoughts and my emotions that were stirred up because of those interactions.
Sometimes I have to think about what I'm thinking about before I can say it out loud.
- I enjoy variety. That means I like the party, but I enjoy the quiet meditation too. I love talking about lot's of things, but I enjoy thinking about them too.
I get silent because I enjoy the stillness.
- I look for the big picture of any given situation- and it excites me to look forward and dream up a plan or catch a vision for a project or mission.
But when I go to implement that plan by getting into the details of making it happen… I can get so lost in the details. Now don't get me wrong. I love learning new skills, I thoroughly enjoy being creative. But being consistent in the details WEARS. ME. OUT!
Somewhere between the dream and the finished work to share, I get bogged down and lose the momentum to finish a product.
Then I get silent because it feel like I have nothing to show you.
That is all part of the SILENCE.
But this week I saw it more honestly.
I go silent when I feel insecure- when I feel weak- when I feel average!
What if I SHOW UP and share my thoughts and my journey with you
and you think I am...
Weird
not good enough
Less than
Flawed
What if because of that you choose to...
- Judge me
- Or reject me
Will sharing my weirdness make me feel loved-- or alone?
The irony of all this is that I work with women JUST. LIKE. ME!
I've heard these same words from women my age
From women 30 years younger
from women 20 years older
And YES---even from men!!!
My words to them are always the same.
Our greatest longings as humans is to be known and be loved. How can we truly be known and truly know love, if we are not known for who we really are?
And then the questions came pouring into my brain for my own scenario?
- Will my weirdness make me feel known and loved-- or unloved?
- What if… I put myself out there as I really am?
- What if… I don't stay silent in the
- Messy
- Uncertain
- Weird times
- What if I just showed up- come what may and invited others to join me?
That, my friend, can be a VERY. SCARY. THING!
But the alternative is being alone with my own thoughts- never hearing what they really sound like because I dare not speak them out loud. Not to you. Not even to me..
Or maybe the greater angst is that I replay them over and over in my head to the point they are screaming at me and I begin to believe them. Even if they are lies.
Silence.
The clutter of thoughts and emotions, dreams and visions, sadness and fear overgrown in my heart and mind and choking out my voice.
Ok- maybe I am being a little dramatic- and then again maybe not!
If you have been - or are being silent because you fear how others might respond to you, then you know the choke-hold of the using your voice and living your life.
So here is me asking you, "Will you join me in just SHOWING UP?"
Yes there are risks. Yes we might get hurt. Yes. Yes.
But isn't that true of all of life already. Often what we fear is far greater than the reality. Not always, I know, we humans can be utterly cruel to one another.
But if I am real, and you are real and we learn to know - and love each other as we really are, won't this world be a better place?
I'm in! I'm committing to you that I will show up as real as I am able.
I want to LIVE. OUT. LOUD. I want to HIGHLIGHT the HOPE we find there!
Will you come with me!
How will you show up today?